SWINE FLU ALERT!

The Deputy Minister of Health, an ultra-Orthodox man named Yakov Litzman, has decreed that in Israel the Swine Flu shall be called the 'Mexico Flu' because, of course,pig isn't kosher!  Yes, I'm serious!  

In response to this important decision that will no doubt combat this outbreak, I have decided to take some important measures here at Temple Har Shalom:

 HENCEFORTH IN THIS SYNAGOGUE, THE ‘SWINE FLU’ SHALL BE KNOWN AS THE ‘MEXICO FLU’ AS PER THE DECISION OF THE ISRAELI DEPUTY MINISTER OF HEALTH.  AS SWINE IS NOT KOSHER, THIS MAKES ALL THE SENSE IN THE WORLD.  

OTHER CHANGES EFFECTIVE NOW:  PIG LATIN SHALL BE KNOWN AS ‘MOVING-THE-FIRST-LETTER-OF-THE-WORD-TO-THE-END-AND-ADDING-AN-A LATIN.’  ALSO NO GAMES OF PIG ARE PERMITTED ON THE BASKETBALL COURT.  A FOOTBALL SHALL NOT BE CALLED A ‘PIG SKIN’  

 THE EXPRESSION, ‘LIPSTICK ON A PIG’ SHALL BE REPLACED BY ‘LIPSTICK ON A CHICKEN’  

THE EXPRESSION ‘WHEN PIGS FLY’ SHALL BE REPLACED BY ‘WHEN A NICE BRISKET FLIES’

PLEASE RESTRICT ANY USE OF THE WORDS PIG, SWINE, PORK, BACON, CANADIAN BACON, OR SAUSAGE.  EVEN A WORD SUCH AS LUAU, WHICH IMPLIES A PIG, CANNOT BE USED.  IN ORDER TO BUILD A FENCE AROUND THIS PROHIBITION, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING THE WORD ‘WINE’ WHICH COULD EASILY BE HEARD AS ‘SWINE.’  ANY ANAGRAMS OF THE ABOVE WORDS ARE ALSO PROHIBITED.

FINALLY, KEVIN BACON WILL BE BARRED FROM THE BUILDING DURING SUNDANCE.